Ramblings of a 34B cup...

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Friday, November 28, 2008

Post Turkey Bloat...

If you are feeling anything like me, still feeling so full, wearing anything other than elastic waist pants is out of the question. But, tis the season for indulging in all the holiday cheer and fare. I did, we did and to be quite frank it was so worth it. So go on... permission to deviate from your South Beach diet. We spend the day ala turkey at the Disgruntled Princess' castle, as per normal her feast was nothing short of amazing. The day wouldn't have been complete without hearing what everyone is thankful for and the annual Thanksgiving play. Ahhh, I give thanks for my nutty relatives. Be sure to check out the Big Snoot's blog for an update on the Turkey 2008 photo album. Have a great weekend and take-r easy on your, "black Friday," shopping expedition. I think I've heard some mumbling about a slight recession. See you Monday.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Denied access.

Remember waaaay, back when my blog was born? Remember, when I said this blog stuff is sure fun, but a damn waste of perfectly good time? I take it back, suck that statement right out of your waxy ear drums. I have found something else that is beyond stupid, beyond silly, so far beyond your typical mind numbing cyber experience. Face it, Facebook is the ultimate time killer AND I LOVE IT. So surprise! To the left is my Facebook profile pic, complete with weird, double-side-chin thing I have going on there. I look hip-hap-happy as a clam because the pic was taken at a bar amidst a barrage of cocktails, again big surprise. So anywayz, if you too are wasting precious seconds of your life, which can never been recovered, "Facebooking," look me up. Lets regret this when we are old together, huh? Speaking of regrets to date I have just one, well, besides wearing that stripped shirt that makes my arms look large and in charge. I'm not gonna get into all the blood and guts, but there is only ONE person on this universe I wish would have eternal, scarring acne and burning, molten-hot diarrhea. Yesterday, he asked to be my, "friend." No way, no how is this mother of all mother humpers getting a glimpse at my daily updates. I'm off limits! Denied access you creep-o-la! Git, go, skee-daddle back under the rock you crawled out from under! Put that in your pipe and smoke it! Ahhhh, there... with that off this big chest of mine I feel much, much better.

P.S. What happens if you click ignore to a friend request? Just curious...

Monday, November 24, 2008

I. Love. Her.

I spotted her out of the corner of my eye among the oodles and oodles of crap/treasures at Hunt and Gather. She's creepily fabulous with her slightly upturned grin/scowl and her prominent German nose. If she was still alive (painting circa 1920) she would definitely have I Feel Bad About My Neck on her short list of good reads. I mean, seriously, get a look at her gobbler! I bet she was a real bi-atch in the best-est sense of the word. The kind of broad who curtly sat in the front pew at church, but flew home to tear the top off the bottle of moonshine with her teeth. Yup, that's her. Forty bucks later (my Hubby says I got screwed) she earned her NEXT resting spot atop my mantle. NEXT, because who knows were she will land once her immortal life with me is over. But here's the real question... Where did she come from? I mean someone loved/hated her enough to paint her and now she ends up somehow, someway unwanted (except by me) at a local antique store. Where's her family, why isn't she creeping out her great, great, great grand kids friends instead of mine? Anywayz, she is fabo and I've decided she's my good luck granny. Oh, and her name... Mathers. Granny Mathers because Martina said so...
P.S. Antique art = Saving a Landfill. I love this peice (artist unknown) and this peice by my Great Uncle Quinten (painted for my MOM) too.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Fashion Friday: Today's Favored Accessory

Happy Friday kids of legal drinking age! Today's Fashion Friday post features my favored accessory for the weekend... any cold, wet, alcoholic beve will do. Fire me an icy cold one, or a perfectly shaken not stirred one, a finely garnished one, an exotic one, a $10 bottle one or hell gimme one a these M-F'ers. All I know is we'll be needing a round of these in the morning! Now, we all know you can't consume all of these in one bender booze session or you'll end up sleeping with john (been there, done that)(as in the crapper people, come on). So pick one or two (beer after liqueur never been sicker, liqueur before beer you're in the clear) and forget about all that moderation nonsense. Each and every cocktail-a-licious accessory comes with foggy eyes, a shiny forehead, a fat tongue and a severely impaired sense of judgement. Doesn't that sound fun?!?

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Got one!

Just by the hair on my chin-ney-chin-chin (reminder... wax tonight), but I got one. Whoa! It was a tough crowd this year. The secret got out that the down town Target on Nicollet Mall typically has samplers to go around. I didn't tell a soul... but someone let the cat outta the bag. So this morning I take the bus in and stroll across 9th Street to grab my quota of two samplers. Whaaa-paaa! I am smacked in the face with herds of crazy people acting like it's the door buster of the millennium! I barely got my copies and they were G-O-N-E! So here's what's so special bout these discs, in case you've been living under a rock. Each year Cities 97 asks artists to record acoustic sets of their latest and greatest hits in their, "studio C." 35,000 copies of the cd are made and are sold at local Target stores with all of the proceeds benefiting local charities like Make A Wish, Camp Heartland, Bridging, the Animal Humane Society (love) and the Tubman Family Alliance. I've already listened and already committed to burn two pirated versions for pals (buy me a beer-get a burned disc). The second copy? Ebay, baby!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Be veh-wee, veh-wee quiet.

This whole duck hunting thing... It's complex in nature. I've never really understood it all. I would never have conceded if my Hubby hadn't finally admitted face paint is not mandatory. Gear for starters... More gear is required than I ever knew even existed (no wonder the Cabela's bill is what it is each month). First, you have waders so you can slither through the icy water to put out bags upon bags of decoys. One must always remember what goes out must come back in. Second, you can't forget you're four legged friends camo (apparently ALWAYS Advantage Camouflage) so she doesn't sink (or catch a chill). Finally, multiply all of that by two in case your spouse decides to (gets talked into) tag along. The next part is the worst... You gotta, "think like a gopher," and get up at the butt crack of dawn in the most inclement of conditions. No doubt, I would rather stay nuzzled in here. After all is said and done it's a game of calling (try the, "lonesome hen," it goes, "digga, digga, dooga, dooga) and waiting, and waiting and waiting. Or film a video so you will
NEVER be invited back again...

Monday, November 17, 2008

Say good-bye to my Coppertone'd bum...

That's it. Done, dun and dunne. Oh sure, it's gonna be hard, but I've been scared as a ghost. AND, I'm gonna look like one now that I have turned over my new Casper white leaf. This morning I traded in my three stitches for sixteen new ones. Yes! Sixteen! Eight on the inside and 8 on the outside. Great. Just what I need is another dimple on my big ole butt. Here's the deal. Some lab rat in pathology didn't like what they saw under the microscope, so back under the scalpel I go. Carved right down to the fat and grissel to get all the bad cells (spitz tumor) out and keep me free of the melanoma. I marched (actually, more like shuffled) off the table and went right straight to Walgreen's. Two boxes of Tefla bandages, one jug of Extra Strength, Rapid Release Tylenol and SPF 70 sunblock for my upcoming winter safari. Think I am kidding?!? They really truly make it, and I really truly will be the, "whitest cracker arse," ever to walk the beaches of Mexico. I've seen the light or blocked the light, whatever. Uh, huh. A self photograph of my wound, all in the name of blog material.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Fashion Friday: Blaze on.

Hip-happiest Fashion Friday to you! If you live in the getting-chillier-every-single-morning-Midwest, first off, sorry about that. Second, I hope you have fully transferred any linen to the back of your closet and wool or velvet to the front. Just because the, "rise and shine," temps are below freezing doesn't mean you have permission to wear a sleeping bag everyday. Autumn is the perfect time to break out the blazer. Maybe I should clarify... The UPDATED blazer. If your closet could be used as, "wardrobe," for the next Designing Women cast we need to talk. No shoulder pads. No pant suits. Just blazers. Here's a few rules to, "blaze," by:

No.1 Check the shoulders: Make sure the jacket doesn't extend beyond your shoulder creating the, "borrowed from my boyfriend," look. Unless, of course, you are doing the walk of shame or trying to do the, "borrowed from my boyfriend," look.

No. 2 Check the waist: If you are pear shape look for jackets which, "pinch," in a bit to define your, "little in the middle." If you have a larger midsection choose a jacket with a, "straight," fit.

No. 3 Check the length: Play with the proper jacket length to create the illusion of a longer torso if you are a bit more stout. If you have a longer, leaner torso (we hate you) wear a jacket cut right to mid waist and pull on a pair of low rise trousers. Keep in mind no tummy should be bared, so your shirt needs to be long enough tuck completely as to avoid the, "whale tail."

No. 4 Matching set not needed: Leave the Hil-ster to wear the pant suits. Pair your blazer with your flav-o-rito pair of blue jeans and a thin scarf for softness.

No. 5 Remember your fly: So it has nothing to do with your jacket, but just a friendly reminder. Be sure to check your fly after each and every restroom visit. I spy 'd an open barn door today in the sky way and didn't have the heart to tell her.

Happy weekend...

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Under the weather...

I'll take two and blog to you in the morning.

PS I want my MOM.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

This laundry won't do itself!

I don't know how I let it get sooo far out of control. One day life is good and the options of available clean underwear are endless. The next day you are standing bare-arse-naked in your closet searching the bin of undies. Upon the first round of digging you pass by the thong which cuts the circulation off to your brain. Forget the granny pants which bequif (did I really just use the word bequif? Did I spell it write? Don't mistake it for... never mind.) the VPL (visible panty line for any new and un-34bcup-educated readers). I'm certainly not going to wear the ones that are too tight in the waist, giving me a sort of spilling over the top feeling. Commando is not an option, at least not today, I'm not quite desperate enough. Why can't I just throw out all these stupid, ill fitting underwear and get on with going to work already. Time check: 6:45am and I gotta hit the road. Options: Speed wash? Hand wash/rinse a pair in the sink and hope my ion blow dryer has enough guts to dry em FAST. Recycle? Flip the back to front or the inside to outside. I'm grossing MYSELF out. Borrow a pair? Can you really tell if I am wearing a pair of boxer briefs under this wool a-line dress? Hose? Wear a pair of tights with a sort of built-in panty kinda thingy. I mean it's there for a reason, right? Right?

Monday, November 10, 2008

First, I'd like to thank...

...my fans (hellllloooooooo, anyone out there?), my family and of course Grace-Fabulous from Question Certain Perfection for the Superior Scribbler Award! Feels just like getting your name on the board with a star behind it! See Hubby? All that clicking away of non-sense finally pays off with a little pat on the backside (if you touch my bum, I'll break your fingers). So here's how this thang works. I, the proud recipient, accept the award (thank you, thank you) and then I pass it on to 5 more noteworthy blogs (a.k.a. colossally fun time burners). You in turn check out these 5 new blogs and see what all the hub-bub is about. The 5 blogs I mention pass on the award and we spread the love in chain letter fashion. Comprende? So drum roll pleezzzzzzzz:

No. 1 Mama's Losin' It - this gal is good! Who doesn't love an attention craving poodle?

No. 2 Looky Daddy - He's funny, he's witty, he's a darn good daddy blogger.

No. 3 Same Stuff Different Day - Let's all embrace a brand new blogger, who some how, some way, found her way to the B cups. Keep on writing and I'll keep reading.

No. 4 SevEn CLoWn CirCuS - For cryin' out loud! Let's be honest, anyone who can raise 5 little people and still blog rocks.

And No. 5 The Sits Girls - Because I'm hungry.

There. I did my part. The chain was not broken and now it is up to the fore mentioned bloggers to let the legacy live. Go on people! Dooooo ittttttt!

1. Post the award on your blog
2. Link me for giving it to you
3. Link the originating post here
4. Pass the award on to 5 more deserving people
5. Post these rules for your recipients

P.S. Don't forget to check out my every, single, day, tried and true flav-o-rito reads listed to the right. These daily reads are near and dear to my bloggy heart.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Retraction: No Good Answer...

I know it's Fashion Friday and I've made a promise to keep you up to speed on what I'm tracking in the vain world of clothes, shoes and accessories. But, today I feel so far from fabulous I can't come up with anything. Instead, I'll give a retraction to the statement I made yesterday about my post, "No Good Answer."

Yesterday I said... Of all days... Today... I got asked the good question... 10pm WCCO to see the painful response.

And today I say... It was not painful. More like excruciating. I've seeked him out, practically stalked, good ole Jason DeRusha on Nicollet Mall trying to get my 15 seconds of fame. Now if you REALLY know me you know I was really hoping to get on when my, "boyfriend," Ben Tracy did the segment. Alas, I missed my chance and he shipped out to interview all the California girls and Jason took his spot. Don't get me wrong Jason does a fabo job, but if I moved my not-so-secret crush on to him Hank's Mom would tan my hide. Anyway, you can tell my pal Betsy, "hates this kinds sh*t," as she so gently put it and I am practically yelling, "ROLL IT," before he can even get his introduction out. So go ahead watch the clip... Yes, I said, "CATASTROPHE," and my hubby pointed out I really meant, "EPIDEMIC." I'm a moron. And yes I really said, "layoff," to all the expert health advisers who say to get the flu shot. I'm way too sassy for my own good. And yes, I really truly said something about a bunch of people, "getting poked." What is wrong with me? Ashamed? I doubt it. If that were the case I wouldn't get through a single day. Seriously, though watch WCCO weeknights for more, "Good Questions," or view them online. If you are feeling really smart (or stupid for that matter) send Jason your own Good Question.

Monday: I pass on the torch for the Superior Scribbler Award. Stay Tuned! Have a great weekend AND if you really feel the need to protect yourself against disease spreaders like myself-go on get poked already.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Home SWEET SoDak

Gas up the car, pack some clean undies and stow your favorite mix tape (now commonly referred to as your ipod playlist) for the 4.5 hour road trip through the heartland. I know... It's some serious windshield time. If you pack enough, "seeds," to coat the walls of your mouth with canker sores and make a pit stop here for a, "gut-bomb," burger (dog treats given out at the drive thru)(don't kid yourself we stopped on both legs of the trek) (thanks NJ) it seems tolerable. Stiff legs and a sore bum are a small price to pay for walking in the garage to see this. If your name were Bonnie, Karen, Christian, *Little Brooke or Kelly you would know this is the chalkboard used to play school (or plot out military attacks-stupid boys) in my parent's garage. The current inscription has been there since the day (Fall, 1996) I left for college. Just a quick little sketch of the U-Haul my parents drug 450 miles to move their only kid into twin towers, 12 floors each, full of freshman sneeking beer inside their backpacks. Twelve years later it is STILL there! Of course the house is dec'd out in Halloween style, per usual, and this crazy little witch (handcrafted by yours truly in 3rd grade) is still front and center on the back door. Question? Are parents really required to hang on to stuff like this for 22 years? If we are talking years, it was 17 years ago that I got my first job HERE! I worked for $4.25/hour, yes, less than the minimum wage. Well come on, I was 14 and loved coming home with sweet ice cream smelling hair, a stripe of over sprayed malt on my navy blue oxford and red cherry slush stained Keds. Ahhhh, 1991... Life was simpler then. School passed out free games/rounds/matches/whatever at the local bowling alley, MOM gave you cash & dropped you off at the front door of the theatre, nothing in your closet required you to stop on the corner of Main Street and 6th Avenue and the worst thing that could happen was a burnt tongue from a molten hot, cream-style corn nugget from Scotty's. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't trade spots now for all the Pinot Noir in Oregon. I mean nothin' is like sharing a bottle with your God Mother (The Ginge) and your MOM. Or seeing with your own two eyes your 92 year old gramma looks JUST like she did when she was 82.
So like I said, no matter where you live, pack up the rig and head where ever home is.

I almost forgot. You want to know about *Little Brooke vs Big Brooke, right? Let me explain it with pictures. You see we had two Brooke's on Willow Drive. One Brooke was little, petite, as cute as a bugs ear. The other Brooke was tall, average Midwestern stock, with big feet. Yes, Big Brooke = 34B cup. If that won't scar a kid for life I don't know what will...

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


A quick update today before I tell you about, "home, SWEET, home." Go on and reward yourself for standing in line at the, "Church of the Open Door," for 1 and 1/2 hours! (BTW, why do the have a, "hot tub" in the lobby?) Sport your sticker all around town for free stuff! Free coffee at Starbucks! Free Ben and Jerry's ice cream! Free pint of Schells at Nomads! Free sex toy at Sex World (now I really have your attention!)! Free doughnuts at Krispy Creme! Free cookie at Wild Roast Cafe! Free admittance to the dance party tonight at First Ave! Free, Free, Free!!! I love FREE stuff (not as much as MOM, but I still LOVE it!)

PS If someone calls you tonight for the 16th time to remind you to vote, BE NICE! It might be the 34B cup!

Monday, November 3, 2008

You put yer right cheek in...

Two words... Right Cheek. Three stitches. Pain level... 1. I can't believe it. Of all moles to be concerned about who-da thunk the one that has rarely (I won't say never) seen a ray of sun needed to come off. So it happens, ya know? All those years of greasing up like the Thanksgiving turkey are bound to catch up with a gal. Oh I'm sure it's nothing but better to be sure. Take the mole send it to some lab and then call me in a few days (you will call, won't you?). In the meantime I'll shuffle like a 90 year old, hoist myself with my arms into and out of my car and learn to sleep on my tummy for the next 2 weeks. Updates (minus gross photos) to follow. Tomorrow-the weekend update. A little look at where the B cups grew up (riveting blog material, I know.)