Post Turkey Bloat...

If you are feeling anything like me, still feeling so full, wearing anything other than elastic waist pants is out of the question. But, tis the season for indulging in all the holiday cheer and fare. I did, we did and to be quite frank it was so worth it. So go on... permission to deviate from your South Beach diet. We spend the day ala turkey at the Disgruntled Princess' castle, as per normal her feast was nothing short of amazing. The day wouldn't have been complete without hearing what everyone is thankful for and the annual Thanksgiving play. Ahhh, I give thanks for my nutty relatives. Be sure to check out the Big Snoot's blog for an update on the Turkey 2008 photo album. Have a great weekend and take-r easy on your, "black Friday," shopping expedition. I think I've heard some mumbling about a slight recession. See you Monday.

Denied access.

Remember waaaay, back when my blog was born? Remember, when I said this blog stuff is sure fun, but a damn waste of perfectly good time? I take it back, suck that statement right out of your waxy ear drums. I have found something else that is beyond stupid, beyond silly, so far beyond your typical mind numbing cyber experience. Face it, Facebook is the ultimate time killer AND I LOVE IT. So surprise! To the left is my Facebook profile pic, complete with weird, double-side-chin thing I have going on there. I look hip-hap-happy as a clam because the pic was taken at a bar amidst a barrage of cocktails, again big surprise. So anywayz, if you too are wasting precious seconds of your life, which can never been recovered, "Facebooking," look me up. Lets regret this when we are old together, huh? Speaking of regrets to date I have just one, well, besides wearing that stripped shirt that makes my arms look large and in charge. I'm not gonna get into all the blood and guts, but there is only ONE person on this universe I wish would have eternal, scarring acne and burning, molten-hot diarrhea. Yesterday, he asked to be my, "friend." No way, no how is this mother of all mother humpers getting a glimpse at my daily updates. I'm off limits! Denied access you creep-o-la! Git, go, skee-daddle back under the rock you crawled out from under! Put that in your pipe and smoke it! Ahhhh, there... with that off this big chest of mine I feel much, much better.

P.S. What happens if you click ignore to a friend request? Just curious...

I. Love. Her.

I spotted her out of the corner of my eye among the oodles and oodles of crap/treasures at Hunt and Gather. She's creepily fabulous with her slightly upturned grin/scowl and her prominent German nose. If she was still alive (painting circa 1920) she would definitely have I Feel Bad About My Neck on her short list of good reads. I mean, seriously, get a look at her gobbler! I bet she was a real bi-atch in the best-est sense of the word. The kind of broad who curtly sat in the front pew at church, but flew home to tear the top off the bottle of moonshine with her teeth. Yup, that's her. Forty bucks later (my Hubby says I got screwed) she earned her NEXT resting spot atop my mantle. NEXT, because who knows were she will land once her immortal life with me is over. But here's the real question... Where did she come from? I mean someone loved/hated her enough to paint her and now she ends up somehow, someway unwanted (except by me) at a local antique store. Where's her family, why isn't she creeping out her great, great, great grand kids friends instead of mine? Anywayz, she is fabo and I've decided she's my good luck granny. Oh, and her name... Mathers. Granny Mathers because Martina said so...

P.S. Antique art = Saving a Landfill. I love this peice (artist unknown) and this peice by my Great Uncle Quinten (painted for my MOM) too.

Fashion Friday: Today's Favored Accessory

Happy Friday kids of legal drinking age! Today's Fashion Friday post features my favored accessory for the weekend... any cold, wet, alcoholic beve will do. Fire me an icy cold one, or a perfectly shaken not stirred one, a finely garnished one, an exotic one, a $10 bottle one or hell gimme one a these M-F'ers. All I know is we'll be needing a round of these in the morning! Now, we all know you can't consume all of these in one bender booze session or you'll end up sleeping with john (been there, done that)(as in the crapper people, come on). So pick one or two (beer after liqueur never been sicker, liqueur before beer you're in the clear) and forget about all that moderation nonsense. Each and every cocktail-a-licious accessory comes with foggy eyes, a shiny forehead, a fat tongue and a severely impaired sense of judgement. Doesn't that sound fun?!?

Got one!

Just by the hair on my chin-ney-chin-chin (reminder... wax tonight), but I got one. Whoa! It was a tough crowd this year. The secret got out that the down town Target on Nicollet Mall typically has samplers to go around. I didn't tell a soul... but someone let the cat outta the bag. So this morning I take the bus in and stroll across 9th Street to grab my quota of two samplers. Whaaa-paaa! I am smacked in the face with herds of crazy people acting like it's the door buster of the millennium! I barely got my copies and they were G-O-N-E! So here's what's so special bout these discs, in case you've been living under a rock. Each year Cities 97 asks artists to record acoustic sets of their latest and greatest hits in their, "studio C." 35,000 copies of the cd are made and are sold at local Target stores with all of the proceeds benefiting local charities like Make A Wish, Camp Heartland, Bridging, the Animal Humane Society (love) and the Tubman Family Alliance. I've already listened and already committed to burn two pirated versions for pals (buy me a beer-get a burned disc). The second copy? Ebay, baby!

Be veh-wee, veh-wee quiet.

This whole duck hunting thing... It's complex in nature. I've never really understood it all. I would never have conceded if my Hubby hadn't finally admitted face paint is not mandatory. Gear for starters... More gear is required than I ever knew even existed (no wonder the Cabela's bill is what it is each month). First, you have waders so you can slither through the icy water to put out bags upon bags of decoys. One must always remember what goes out must come back in. Second, you can't forget you're four legged friends camo (apparently ALWAYS Advantage Camouflage) so she doesn't sink (or catch a chill). Finally, multiply all of that by two in case your spouse decides to (gets talked into) tag along. The next part is the worst... You gotta, "think like a gopher," and get up at the butt crack of dawn in the most inclement of conditions. No doubt, I would rather stay nuzzled in here. After all is said and done it's a game of calling (try the, "lonesome hen," it goes, "digga, digga, dooga, dooga) and waiting, and waiting and waiting. Or film a video so you will

NEVER be invited back again...

Say good-bye to my Coppertone'd bum...

That's it. Done, dun and dunne. Oh sure, it's gonna be hard, but I've been scared as a ghost. AND, I'm gonna look like one now that I have turned over my new Casper white leaf. This morning I traded in my three stitches for sixteen new ones. Yes! Sixteen! Eight on the inside and 8 on the outside. Great. Just what I need is another dimple on my big ole butt. Here's the deal. Some lab rat in pathology didn't like what they saw under the microscope, so back under the scalpel I go. Carved right down to the fat and grissel to get all the bad cells (spitz tumor) out and keep me free of the melanoma. I marched (actually, more like shuffled) off the table and went right straight to Walgreen's. Two boxes of Tefla bandages, one jug of Extra Strength, Rapid Release Tylenol and SPF 70 sunblock for my upcoming winter safari. Think I am kidding?!? They really truly make it, and I really truly will be the, "whitest cracker arse," ever to walk the beaches of Mexico. I've seen the light or blocked the light, whatever. Uh, huh. A self photograph of my wound, all in the name of blog material.